Dear Diary

Nasasabik na ako sa pagsapit ng Araw ng mga Puso. Ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng isang babae kapag dumarating ang ganitong okasyon? Lalo na kung siya ay mayroong kasintahan? Ito ‘yung mga bagay na palagi kong iniisip at inaasam –asam sapagkat ni minsan ata’y hindi ko pa naranasan ipagdiwang ang Araw ng mga Puso na may kasintahan, ngayon pa lamang.

Noon , palagi ako naiinggit sa mga kaibigan ko. Labis akong naninibugho sa mga kwento nila kung paano nila ipinagdiriwang ang okasyon na ito. Nariyan na nagpupunta sila sa mga simpleng pasyalan kapiling ang kanilang mga minamahal, meron naman na kumakain lamang sa mga restaurant na may iba’t –ibang ‘gimik’ para sa okasyon na ito, at nariyan din ung pagpunta sa mga mall upang manood ng mga libreng konsyerto ng mga artista at musikero.

Iniisip ko tuloy ngayon, paano kaya naming ipagdiriwang ang napakasayang okasyon na ito?

Parang nais ko tuloy mabasa ang nilalaman ng isipan ng aking minamahal, gusto kong malaman kung anong klase ng sorpresa ang inihinanda niya para sa nakakapanabik na araw na ito. Naniniwala ako na pinaghandaan niya ito, sapagkat iyon ang pagkakakilala ko sa kanya.

Pero kung tatanungin niya ako, ang nais ko sana sa Araw ng mga Puso ay mabigyan kami ng isang araw na pahinga sa lahat ng bagay. Kung pwede nga lang sana na holiday na lamang ang okasyon na ito para wala sanang pasok sa paaralan. Nais ko rin na sana, lumabas kami, magtungo sa mall at tumingin ng mga magagandang pangregalo sa isa’t –isa, kumain sa paborito kong kainan, at pagkatapos ay manood ng isang pelikula sa sinehan. Mababaw lang naman ang pangarap ko, hindi ba? Dati kasi, kapag sumasapit ang araw na ito, palagi lamang ako nasa aming tahanan. Nanonood ng palabas sa telebisyon, at pagkatapos ay matutulog. Sana magmula ngayon, lagi na maging makabuluhan ang pagsapit ng Araw ng mga Puso sa buhay ko. Sana.

Dream Come True

It’s a dream come true (on my part, I think).
No one knew when or where they will meet their own partners in life. Sometimes, there are some people who cannot succeed getting the person that they really want; especially when they know that it isn’t feasible. This is the idea that I used to have back when I was in my first year in college. I never knew that a simple infatuation lead me on falling in love with someone that I really like. Mostly, I never expected that I would be love with the same person that I’m dying for.
The First Heart Beat
My first day in college was a bit mess; I was a transferee then from another university. But the second day was much better. It’s not because I was able to make new friends and meet new professors, but for one thing; it’s the day that I think God has set for me to meet the person who would occupy the other half of my heart.
I can remember it well. It’s my first major class in the University of the East, and if you won’t mind if I mention it, it’s my Communication Theories’ class. Our dearest professor set a seating arrangement for each one of us, although I can say that it’s somehow not the usual alphabetical arrangement. She [our professor] put me in front of her, and she also put a guy beside me, saying it is better to scatter the new students in between with the old ones.
I was a bit nervous that time because I really hate the idea of sitting in front, and my seatmates back then seem to be the superiors of the class; they talked so loud and laugh as if they’re getting into my nerves. I don’t know how do I look that time, but I heard a whisper on my left side, “Hey, don’t be afraid, they are just like that, but really, they are very cool (wag ka matakot, ganyan lang sila, pero cool ‘yang mga yan)”.
I looked on my left side; I was trying to see the person who whispered to me some kind of assurance. There I saw the guy who is seated next to me, wearing a white polo and a gorgeous smile. I hate the feeling, but it’s somehow like my heart begun beating so fast and I knew that I’m flashing a big smile upon him. I knew that it was the craziest emotion that I had ever felt, that I had ever shown to a guy. Every time that I recall that scene, I can’t help but laugh to myself.
Anyway, what I did next was to ask him if he was in the same year as I am. But instead, he asked me for my name and for my course. Oh, that arrogant fellow, I told myself. I hate persons who answer my questions with other non –related questions. But I didn’t show any kind of irritation to him; instead I answered his question smilingly, hoping that he would at least ask for my name. I think, he heard my unspoken wish. He asked me for my name, and he even told me his name – Calvin.
The Next Step
I let him slip off my mind. I mean, I tried so hard not to think of him, and I tried to remind myself that he’s just one of those good –looking guys that would not want to see me as a woman they can show off to their friends. But it was very hard, his captivating smile was already embarked in my head, and my days in the university are always hoping to have a glance of him even just for a single second. I don’t know what I’ve already gotten into. I was not aware by that time that I’m already starting to like him. I never missed a meeting on that major class, not for the reason that it’s indeed a major class but it’s because it’s the only chance for me to see him and talk to him.
One day, it’s our vacant time before our major class. My block mates [We are just eight in our block section that’s why we could have our lunch altogether] rose a question on me “You seem to be interested to your seatmate? Do you have his number already? [Parang interesado ka sa katabi mo ha, nakuha mo na number niya?] “. I frowned to their question, not because I was trying not to disclose the topic among them but because of the truth that getting his number would be another challenge for me. I know it is very pathetic, but it is true.
After eating our lunch that day, we went back to our room. I sat back on my chair and fell into deep thoughts. I know it’s not right to put myself into his way by simply flirting with him. I even hate the idea. But I really like him, my mind shot back to me. He’s the one who’s making me fall into my deepest thoughts every day. He’s also the one who’s making me look forward for another school day. Those ideas, I think, were enough to prove to myself that I’m really on into him.
“Want a penny for your thoughts?” I hear someone said. I was lost on my day dreaming and brought back to reality. There he is, beside me again. And then I thought, “oh come on, Kneesaa, he’s already here. Get your moves on.” The whole period went smoothly listening to the lectures from our professor and to some petty butt –in from him. Before I was about to get out from the class, my greatest dream was granted. He asked me for my number so that, according to him, he could at least fire me a message just in case he forgot his assignments.
That was of one of the happiest things that happened to me that day. Yes, I told myself, I know it, he’d text me and I can get close on him now.
The Down Fall
We never started texting each other until on the second week since he got my number. We just exchange messages which are purely business, we’ve got to text each other when we need to ask each other for some things like if we learned the day’s lecture or if we happen to encounter some unfamiliar topics from our class. Those may seem to be purely class –related messages but it is somehow very big and rewarding for me, and I’m really happy about it.
But my foolish anticipation to his messages was somehow smashed down into pieces. I lose my liking to him because of one incident. We [my block mates and I] used to spend our vacant time in the library, reading books and chit –chatting with each other. As we sat on one of the couches, someone from my block mates took my attention and pouted her lips to a direction. There I felt the greatest downfall of my life, “you foolish girl”, I told myself. I was trying to get him for myself unknowing that he might have a girl of his own. What I saw was the answer for my foolishness and stubborn wishes; there they are beside us, laughing and whispering the words of love.
I told myself that it would be the last hitch that I should have. I’m going to stop now all my fantasies. I should not text him anymore, it’s not good. I don’t want to look like a lady who keeps on hanging to people who could never have an eye for me, mostly, to those who are already committed with somebody else.
Moving On (Without Wheels)
Moving on, it’s the least thing I could do that time. I tried to console myself by thinking it was just a mere infatuation, still, it really hurts. Actions speak louder than words. Every time my friends would tell me that he’s near to us, all I can say to my friends was a simple “I don’t care”, but my head and my feet would try to do anything just to make sure that he would be able to notice me.
Forgetting him was difficult, honestly. I tried to avoid him like a plague; I always stopped myself from talking to him because I know in myself that I’m just going to fall more in love with him. You see, he’s my seatmate and as seatmates, we are always buddies on our classroom activities. It’s like I’m trying to move on without getting all my acts for another step forward. I am all glued to my hopeless hopes.
A Rewarding Summer
My first semester in the university went smoothly after that. I learned to forget everything by attaching myself to my studies. But somehow, it’s like our pathways were really destined to cross each other’s. I was surprised one day when I received a message from Calvin. He greeted me and asked me about my current activities that time. It was unexpected, and unbelievable, I don’t know why he texted me, or what’s his reason for texting me but one thing is I am assure of, my feelings for him began rushing again on my veins. This time, it’s of greater volume.
That’s the start of everything between us. We became friends, close friends I mean. He became my elder buddy during my summer class. Although we never met for the whole summer class, technology allows the both of us to share the different kinds of stories that we could share to each other. Through exchanging of text messages, we were able to show our care for each other. And as time passed by, it’s like we weren’t just friends or close friends, it’s like we’re already sharing a mutual feeling.
Legally in Love
Everything went ‘sweetly’ after that. It continued even after the summer class. I don’t know why it happened. I mean, why he became like that to me. It’s very unusual. One time I jokingly asked him, “Why are you so like that to me, do your girlfriend know this? [Bakit ganyan pakikitungo mo sa akin, alam ba ‘yan ng girlfriend mo?]” Then he answered me, “I don’t have a girlfriend anymore, [wala na akong girlfriend]” His answer was the best thing that I had heard from him, it’s like music on my ears. I tried to ask him why they broke off, but what he had just told me is that they’re not meant for each other. Period, end of story.
I respect his answer, even I’m very eager to know why they break off like that. But I don’t want to let him have the idea that I’m so very nosy. Honestly, I’m already happy with the fact that he’s single and too available (So bad of me I know, but this is the business of love. I’ll do everything for it). I don’t have to feel guilty every time I want to text him because I know there won’t be anyone that would get mad if I do.
Since then, I’m always inspired to do things on my own way. Maybe it’s too much of an exaggeration, but he gave me light to everything. He gave my life a more wonderful meaning. He even help me made one of the most important day of my life, I celebrated my 18th birthday without the extravagance that most debutants wanted badly for this wonderful day. I remember that day very well, because he greeted me on the first struck of the clock. He’s the first person to welcome me on my so –called ‘turning –point’ of my life. On that same day, what I wished as I blew the candle of my cake was to have an abundant grace throughout my life and also, to have him (Calvin) for myself. Selfish as I may sound, but I know in myself that it’s the only thing that can make my life complete.
Unnoticed, the way he always approached me after our class (last semester, we were both enrolled in a similar subject but not in the similar time, but our classes were on consecutive schedule so I can say it’s not hard for us to meet) was somehow going to a different level. He always checked on me if I’m doing well on the class or if there is something on the lesson that is bothering me so much. One time, it was our midterm exam, and I was burning with intense fever. I do not know what to do because it’s my first time to feel sick inside the class, especially while taking up a major exam. I do not know who to ask what, but it seems like the only solution is to tell Calvin my condition.
At first, I was very hesitant, because I hate the idea of being pitied. But the rage of fever is weakening me so much. So I approached him, and asked him if he could accompany me to the school clinic even just for awhile. I even tried to crack a joke, telling him that the examinations made me lose my strength. I thought he would not agree, but he’s like an eagle that flew me eagerly to the clinic. After that, he insisted that I should not attend my classes anymore and that I should rest at home. Not just that, he even insisted that he should accompany me home.
Your Love is my Drug
As he brought me to our home, my mom was able to meet him. She even asked me if Calvin was my boyfriend, but I said we’re just classmates/ friends, and he’s just concern about my condition. It’s the truth anyway, but the truth really hurts. Deep inside, I want to tell mom that he’s going to be my future boyfriend, and if possible, my future half of my heart. Ambitious me!
I was bedridden on our house for almost a week. I thought it was dengue fever, but through the doctor’s diagnostics, we learned that it was measles. I was not allowed to get out of the house because I might infect other people. But it’s our midterm week, and I cannot afford if I did not take my exams and fail all of my subjects. So I always sneaked out of the house and make my way to the university. I even over cloth myself so that no one would see the red spots on my skin.
No one from both of us actually expected that my sickness would lead on telling the real score. We just found ourselves seeking each other’s company even though I’m already cured from my illness. As days passed by, even though there’s no formality, I can say that we are already in love, and we are already committed to each other.
There’s no Rebound thing
Some of my friends would tell me that I’m so lucky because I did get what I want. I have all of his love and care, and I’m already part of his life. I don’t have to ask for more. But some aren’t like my other friends. They said that our relationship is somehow born out of a broken heart, and I’m just a rebound. They even told me that there are some facts present on our relationship that would make me prove that it’s just a rebound thing. First, they said we have no formal ‘date’, so it’s not a real relationship. And second, it’s just me who introduced him to my family. He didn’t yet introduce me into his own family. I thought for a while, thinking that they might be correct, but I believe that I should not confine my thoughts alone to myself. So what I did next was ask him.
Memory gap, that’s the worst part of the scenario. But it wasn’t him who forgot when we officially became lovers. It’s me, he remind me of all the things that happened on that particular day, especially when we exchanged our sweetest ‘I love you’. I was really ashamed on myself because it’s me who should remember that kind of stuff. And about the introducing to his family, well, it came next after that. It happened on his birthday and I was so half delightful and half proud of myself because I learned from his siblings that I’m the only girl that he had brought home and introduced to his kin. Thus, I proved to myself that our relationship is really a no –rebound thing.
Forevermore
We are just in the early stages of our relationship. With five months on the record, I knew it’s too early to say that this is already the relationship that would end up on the blessings of the altar. But we’re both optimistic with it. We’re trying to do our best not to see ourselves having a change of heart. Day by day, we are already learning the footsteps of each one of us. And if fate will allow us, we want the both of us to be on each other’s side forever.