White Christmas

"As long as there are children in the world, the real essence and joy of Christmas will never fade, even after a thousand years."
This is neither a quotable quote from any renowned personality nor a tagline from any Christmas item advertisement. To be honest, it’s just my own insight about Christmas, the day that seems to be the most awaited day by the whole world throughout the whole year long. It is the season of gift –giving, exchanging of love and kisses, travelling to different places, cooking and eating different kinds of Christmas delicacies, and the most special of it is family bonding.
Most holidays are celebrated by many people through bonding with other people, or just with some people that seem to be the closest to their hearts, but not with Christmas. It is the only season where most family members would say, “I will not forgive myself if I celebrate Christmas far away from my home or from my family”, and that is true, as if it’s like the only season that allows them to be reunited with their own family. Same to my own account, last Christmas, my whole family celebrated it altogether, as to state the fact that it is the only Christmas that all of my family members were reunited. Nothing came into my mind that it would be the last, hoping back then that we could go for another round of complete Yuletide celebration for a couple of years or so, but gone all of my hopes now.
I’ll start by telling you this; we’re a family of non- faithful. Or maybe, we believe that there is a God that rules all over the races throughout the world. But we are not as faithful like the Roman Catholic people who are used to attend church mass every Sundays. We just pray, hoping that we could be heard by someone above there. That explains why we are not too much inclined in celebrating Church related holidays like the Yuletide season. We do celebrate, but only thru the most plain means that we know, by simply cooking foods that may be considered to be festive. We do not decorate our houses with lanterns or Christmas lights. We do not even have a Christmas tree in our living room in this kind of season back then. But last year was different. We we’re all anticipating for this season to come. We started by painting the house white. Of course, it’s just normal to paint and repaint a house especially in holiday season like this. But for my family, it is somehow different because it all happened during Yule season. Day by day my mom would discuss to my father what to do next, what to cook on the Christmas, what gifts to buy for my younger siblings, and so on and so forth. Even I, she’ll always ask me, “Hey, when is your Christmas vacation at school? You should know that soon so we can adjust our schedule of preparing.” It’s funny for my side because I’m not used to that kind of thing, I mean the anticipation of everyone for the Yule season. Sometimes I would tell my mom, “this is not my kind of thing, I’m not used to it” or “are you going nuts mom?” and then we’ll burst out laughing. Of course, it’s not just me who can’t believe that my family is actually preparing for this season, but also my mom. One time she asked me, “Why don’t you accompany your younger siblings to the Church? It’s been a year since you last went there for a mass, do you want a chopper to bring you there?”Common sense may be, but of course, I am really waiting for a chopper to come and fetch not just me but also my whole family so we could attend the mass altogether. Throughout the whole month of December we talked about Christmas, Christmas, and nothing but Christmas.
Then the Christmas Eve came, and just like the normal household in a season like this, we were all cramming like busy bees, cleaning the four corners of the house, changing all the curtains, and cooking plus cooking and cooking. We’ve made a target time that all must be prepared and ready for that specific time. Good thing it is that we have a large family that became a big help in accomplishing all the tasks that my mom has assigned us. Everything was somehow done in a jiff. We made sure that this cold season we’ll not be literally cold for our family. Warmth we’ll embrace my family today, I told myself.
I can recall it well, we didn’t attend the Christmas Eve’s mass that time. Not because we don’t want to go but because we don’t know what time the local church would hold the mass. We don’t want to go to the church office that time just to ask what time they would start the mass because it would be too awkward for us. We don’t want to let them know the ironic thing that goes within the family. So what happen is that we just stayed at home, waited for the clock to reach 12, while exchanging stories with all the members of the family. Then the clock struck twelve. We began feasting with the food that is set on the dining table. . Everything seemed to be perfect for an ideal Christmas celebration. And everyone seemed to be happy and contented that time. After the sumptuous feast that we had, we promised to ourselves that we’ll never be apart to each other in this wonderful season. Somehow they felt and recognized the warmth that a complete family could bring in such a joyful season like this.

But as I said awhile ago, all my hopes of a complete family for Christmas time are gone now. Last month was the most dreadful time of the year for our family or maybe even the early part of this month. It’s still vivid on my mind. My father just died few weeks ago. It was during my second day of semestral break from loads of work in school. Actually I was really bored by then and you don’t know how desperate I am in making dates with my friends and former classmates. I really can’t stay long in our house, maybe it’s because I developed my outdoor –active personality in college.
That night, I was set to watch a DVD which I’m longing to watch since I bought it. Funny it may seem, but I bought it last June and until then I haven’t played it on our DVD player. Maybe it’s because I became too busy in my school activities. It was a script writing phenomena in our class during that semester and I was really exhausted. Anyway, as I was to search my DVD morgue (Yes, I call it morgue, because my mom will always tell me that I’m fond of buying pirated DVD’s and yet I only watched them once, or I’m just able to watch them just for once because they only worked for just once. That’s how my DVD box became a morgue.), I heard my mom calling from one of the bedroom upstairs (I was in our living room that time.). It isn’t the normal call of my mom; it’s more of hollering out. So I stopped the DVD player and then flew the stairs. And then I saw the most frightening scenes of my life; there was my dad being hugged by my mother while he’s trying to gasp for his breath. Then everything was in a flash lightning. My mom and my sister rushed him to the hospital. I was then wondering to what happened to my dad. But all I knew is that someone whom I do not know and wish not to know is trying to take away our father from us, and that I’m left in our house to guard not just my younger siblings plus of course, our house itself.
Then, after a few minutes more, I received a text message from my sister who accompanied my mom in bringing dad to the hospital. She said “Dad had a stroke. And he’s in deep comatose now. Please pray. Lock the doors. Don’t tell them what’s going on. Just let them sleep.” So that explained everything, but the only thing I knew after I read that message is my knees we’re wobbling in fear. Fear of losing someone in such an early time. Fear of losing a father to whom you dedicate all your great hard works in school. Fear of losing a mentor. And fear of losing someone that may cause fragility in our family. Then, what came to me next is the statement of my sister which is ‘please pray’. It’s somehow unusual. When we used to be sick from heavy fever, or when I was diagnosed by my doctor as a ‘dengue victim’, never did I hear from them the simple phrase like ‘please pray’. Never did they ask me before to seek guidance and mercy from God. So it seemed to be very awkward for me, like what happened last Christmas when my mom had me asked the local church for a mass schedule. But it’s for my dad, I thought. It’s for our promise that we’ll stay reunited in every holiday and in every Christmas season. It’s for that dying promise.
I prayed hard. I even asked friends to pray for dad. I asked Him for my dad’s recovery, to let him wake up from his deep comatose even thought we knew well that if he wake up, he’ll end up like a vegetable, too much dreadful than seeing him paralyzed. I even staked my life in exchange of my hopes for him. But soon after three short days, He took my dad’s breath. Well, I knew it’s somehow hard to accept, but we have to let him go. The doctors told us before that he’ll never be able to survive the stroke. It was helpless.
Sometimes I try to blame myself for the loss of my father. It was pathetic, because back then, I used to be my father’s number one cause of headache. I always disregard his words, and always end up arguing with him. But of course, I knew well that I’m already forgiven. His last days with us were somehow rewarding, and his past intention to celebrate the last Christmas as a whole family was granted. Very ironic indeed that we lost him just after he succeed in reuniting our family together back that time, and just before the Christmas season this year.
This would be a hard thing to do, to celebrate the first Yuletide season without his persuasive voice, without his crackling laughter, and without his warm presence. White Christmas, if that’s how the Western people call their winter celebration of the Yuletide season. I feel cold now, and soon I’ll feel much colder. And maybe, it isn’t just me who’s feeling cold now, but also the other members of the family who misses him a lot. You know what; the house isn’t yet ready for Christmas as compared to last year. My mother told me that they’ll do the Christmas thing after the 40th day commemoration of my dad’s death, but I doubt it to be true. Unless my father reminds her long before he died that he wants us to prepare for this Yule season, maybe I’ll believe then.
I said in the earlier part that ‘as long as there are children in the world, Christmas will never ever fade’. But what about father –less children like us, would Christmas still find its essence on our home? I hope so.
In the loving memory of my dad,
Eduardo N. Tan,
He died last October 27, 2010.