I fell in love, not just once, twice, but many times. It was like falling in the same trap for many times, but without learning the lesson from each of the mistakes that I had committed. But how could I prevent myself from falling in love with him? He was the man of my dreams. He was the man who had the qualities that I was looking in a perfect man.
The first time I saw him was still vivid in my memory. His eyes were glistening as if those were smiling at me. He had those wonderful eyelashes that even a girl would want to have for herself. And, oh, his smile, his smile was one of the best features that he had. He had the sweetest smile that I hardly ever seen. With his physical features, he became the apple of my eyes. And then as the days and months went by, he became my universe.
I knew how crazy it was to consider him as the center of my life, as the reason of my every breath. But what could I do? I was so crazily in love with him. I watched every of his moves and actions. I memorized each of his words that he would speak of. I saved all of his personal messages not just in my mobile phone’s inbox, but also in my heart and in my mind. I was like a child hardly getting herself a piece of candy. Yes, he was my piece of candy, the piece of candy which could really make my childish heart feel happy and contented.
But those things were all gone now. He was nowhere to be seen in my life. He left my childish heart in a state which his smiles could only be the remedy. My candy was snatched away from me, so as my happiness was. Till then, my life was in a state of disarray. Every day appeared so cloudy and foggy; I couldn’t even see a speck of sunlight in each of the days I was mourning for him. Not even the annoying spirits of liquors and the deafening sounds of clubs and friends equaled the happiness that I had felt with him. My life, it was banished. It was like I had died the time he left me by myself.
Then, I found my shadow picking up its own body again. It was hard at first. I always shed tears whenever I would hear the songs that we used to sing together. Every time I would look at our pictures, my heart would still jerk, then I would send him a message telling how much I remembered him, perhaps missed him. I never did get a reply from him. I knew it; I knew that he wouldn’t care for my feelings. Because what I used to be to him is not the way I am now to his life. I am just another piece of trash to him. And I’m very much aware of it.
He may have wanted to retain the friendship that we once had, but it’s very hard. He was my universe, he was my oxygen, he was my light-bearer, he was my… he was everything to me. Everything wouldn’t be the same again if he would prefer to retain the friendship that we had before. I am not a simpleton, I am not a fool. But I was fooled because I was a child. And kids are always fooled and manipulated by people older than them. And I was a kid back then.
But again, as the days passed by, my heart learned how to stand tall again. My heart learned not to mourn for the knife that had sliced it into pieces. My once childish heart has grown to an adult heart. And my full-grown heart has learned how to withstand the past, without even shedding a tear or two.
I am so proud of myself. I never did expect that I would learn how to move forward after a year of tears and regrets. Honestly, I lost my faith in God because of what happened to my relationship. I learned to loathe Him. I realized that He wasn’t real after all. Because He never listened to my pleas, He never granted my prayers. He had left me at the time that I needed Him the most. He left me crying and regretting everything that had happened. He never came to wipe my tears and bring back what was lost. He left me alone, but, I learned how to stand by myself.
After all, He is real. I never realized by then that it was His way of strengthening my weak persona. I had learned how to depend myself to him, I was blinded by the best things that had happened to my life. God taught me how it is to be sad, and how it is to shed tears. After a long time of lamenting my loss, I found myself sporting a happy smile again. And it is because of His miraculous way of healing my broken heart.
Suddenly, my failed relationship reminded me of the poor and hopeless people. It reminded me of the victims of disastrous typhoons and earthquakes. It reminded me of the people who have nothing but their own bodies.
These people could have once fallen in love with the wonders of the world. They could have once fallen in love with the beauty of life. But their feelings towards life and the world were taken away by natural disasters. They were left with nothing but unfortunate memories. Some of them could have lost their faith to God. Some of them could have lost their faith to themselves. And most of them could have lost the hope of bringing back their lives to normal.
And like me, like nursing a broken heart, it would have taken them a year or so before they were able to overcome the destructive memories of the past. They would have thought of ending their unending despairs by dismissing their lives. But a bland life can never be bland forever. Like a bland dish, it can be developed throughout the years. Only if we will know how to mix the right spices, we can make the bland dish the most delicious dish ever. A life with nothing can be life with everything if we will learn to start anew, and only if we will know where to start with.
Do you know Simba, from the movie Lion King? He was casted away from the Pride of Lands by his uncle. He thought he was the one responsible behind his father’s untimely demise. He thought it was the end of everything to him. Then his path crossed the paths of carefree meerkat Timon and warthog Pumbaa. He learned from them how to live a life in ‘hakuna matata’ way. It is a Swahili phrase which means ‘no worries’. With that, he started anew by living a life without worries.
We can live the life of Simba. We can live a life without worries, putting the memories of the past behind us. But how can we do this? How can you start with your life again if you don’t have anything to start with?
If you don’t have anything with you, it doesn’t mean to say that you are empty, that you are futile. Indeed, as long as you have your own body, you can still move forward. And of course, as long as you can still dream of a brighter future, you can still make something out of nothing. Don’t forget that dreams are the reasons why you can see the things everywhere. Can you see the buildings beside your house? It was built because someone dreamt to have a building like that. Can you see the bridge that connects your city to another city? How about the highways and streets? They were built because some people dreamt to have those things. And they exerted efforts to make their dreams come true.
If you will just dream to live a normal life after suffering from the hands of disastrous typhoons and earthquakes, you will be able to find yourself standing on your feet once again, standing tall and proud. Dreams don’t remain dreams forever. With intense desire, a simple dream becomes a goal. And this goal becomes a number one priority in life. And if this dream becomes a priority, it realizes somehow.
Just like me, I didn’t intend to become sad forever. No one has, actually. But I didn’t see myself overcoming the hatred and broken feelings easily. With dreams, I was able to stand again on my feet. I was able to pick myself from the ground of helplessness. I was able to fix myself and now I’m aiming for something.
You might be curious. What did I dream that made me stand again? Well, I only dreamt for one thing, this dream that I have been dreaming for so long. In fact, I desire to turn my dream to reality. Do you know that I want to have a well-off life? Well, I can never have a life like what I am dreaming of if I will just turn my back to people after suffering a dramatic break up. If only a failed relationship can make me fall down on my knees, then I am a coward human being. I am never fitted to be a human if I cannot withstand pain, if I cannot survive the aftermaths of life, or if I cannot tidy up myself after tripping over a sea of mud.
You and me, we used to be broken hearted. I was once broken hearted because of my failed relationship. You were once broken hearted because of the disasters that had capsized your life. But now, we shall go over again with our lives and try another path. We have a lot of choices, but we must choose to live. And we must put intense desire to our chosen path. I want to forget everything that had happened to me and start anew. Maybe I can find someone who’s really my destiny. You should also forget the things that once blurred your pathway. Maybe this time you will have a more fruitful life.
And just like Simba, we must live in ‘hakuna matata’ way. We must live our lives worry-free. Let’s get it on!
Writer's Note: This is not yet perfect. I still want to revise this one. Help me revise this one by telling me your feedbacks. Thanks! :)
